


find me here

by brunetteandblond



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Honestly Soft One-Shot, Just Shelby and Toni Talking One Night on the Island, Leatin mention, On the Island - Freeform, Post 1x10, soft and funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29233758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond
Summary: One night on the island, Toni tells Shelby about Regan.Shelby tells her to forgive herself. Toni tells Shelby to do the same.They snuggle.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 6
Kudos: 133





	find me here

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to the Hayley Williams song and immediately this came to my mind. Hope you enjoy!

When she told her about Regan, she thought that the world might implode. Not physically, but more in her mind. It was as if two of her worlds were colliding. Pre-island and present-island. Toni didn’t feel like she was a different person when she was on the island, exactly, she just felt like something inside of her shifted. It wasn’t like the rage was gone, it was just… easier to handle. To be fair, she could now put things into a better perspective. With Rachel almost bleeding out, Martha almost dying, and Leah going through whatever Leah was going through, Toni felt like she could deal with her own shit. Also, having Shelby on her side didn’t hurt. 

So, she told her. Not because she wanted to, really, but because she knew she should. Because she knew that if Shelby were to know her, she had to know _all_ of her. Even at her worst. 

They were laying on the sand, far away from the others when she told her. They hadn’t told the others about how they felt for each other, but the other six could guess fairly immediately after the whole Rachel situation died down. No one seemed that startled other than Martha, who interrogated them both at length about what their intentions were. 

_“It’s fine, Marty,”_ she had reassured her with a small grin. _“Isn’t this what you wanted anyway? For us to get along?”_

Martha’s jaw had dropped. _“I didn’t mean for you to… you know! Make out with her! And stuff!”_

_“Martha, it’s not like we completely planned it or anything. I mean, I felt things for her but like—dude. Don’t look at me like that. Shelby’s Shelby, you know? I just… I like being with her. I like who I am when I’m around her.”_

Martha had narrowed her eyes and stared at her for a few minutes before making a sound that resembled a harrumph, as if she was giving her the go-ahead. Toni didn’t need Martha’s permission, but it helped that her best friend approved. Even if Martha gave her a long talking to about not messing around with Shelby’s feelings. But that wasn’t Toni’s intention. At all. 

The others made their sly jokes. Fatin made the scissor motion and Dot made the kissing face. Rachel told them to keep their PDA to a minimum because it might risk her recovery, whatever the hell that meant. Leah, who was now staring at Nora like she was a suspect again, looked at them sadly. Toni wasn’t good at comforting people she didn’t know very well, but she wished that she could beat up the motherfucker who fucked with Leah’s head. 

So the nights that they wanted to spend together, they stayed away. Toni liked the quiet. Most nights, she just spent the time tracing Shelby’s face until the blonde started blushing. Toni was sure that Shelby knew she was gorgeous, but Shelby always got flustered when Toni told her she was beautiful. 

Other nights, Shelby would sing. Sometimes, they’d both sing iconic songs from their youth. Everything from “Umbrella” by Rihanna to “Animal” by Neon Trees. Though it was becoming more rare, Shelby would once and a while sing songs that reminded her of her past. Her home that no longer felt like her home. Usually, Shelby would start crying and Toni would hold her tighter and whisper sweet nothings into her ear. 

This night was a little different. It started with them joking about the others. Toni was convinced that Fatin was staring at Leah with an intensity that could only be explained by what Toni described as “gay angst.” Shelby laughed and Toni felt warm like she always did when she made her laugh. Shelby had then asked her about the first time she truly felt gay angst, and Toni said her name for the first time in a while. 

_Regan._

It wasn’t a simple story. It wasn’t a completely bad one, either. She used to look back at it with such anger, such frustration at herself. She wasn’t mad at Regan. Fuck, she thought Regan was a fucking angel for how she handled things. 

Telling Shelby about that night, about the rage that flooded her system, that was something she wasn’t sure she could get through. She couldn’t look at Shelby as she told her. In some ways, she already thought Shelby had seen the worst of her, but she still felt vulnerable as fuck. Instead of saying or doing anything, Shelby put her hand on Toni’s hand and sat there quietly, letting Toni tell what she needed to. 

“Pretty fucked up, huh?” Toni asked after she finished the story. 

“Sounds like those fellas are the villains, here, Toni,” Shelby whispered in her tender southern accent as she wiped away Toni’s tears. “But you’re the one villainizing yourself. Darlin’, look at me.” 

Toni chewed her cheek and didn’t budge.

“Toni.” 

Slowly, Toni forced herself to look at the blonde that she had fallen so hard for. She didn’t know what she was so afraid of. She didn’t want Shelby to look at her with pity or fear or sadness. She just wanted Shelby to look at her like she always did. Not that she could really ever describe the way that Shelby looked at her. It was something so different than all the ways people had looked at her before. 

But Shelby didn’t stare at her like she was something to be pitied or feared. Shelby looked at her with a soft smile as she touched one of Toni’s cheeks. 

“Toni, I’m so sorry about what those men did and what happened between you and Regan. She truly sounds like a wonderful person. I just don’t want you to… feel the shame that I feel for hurting someone I cared about. Because I know how that shame feels. And I don’t want you to keep feeling that. It sounds like Regan forgave you, Toni. Maybe you should forgive yourself too. Lord knows we could all use a little forgiveness.” 

Toni didn’t know much about Shelby’s home life. She knew bits and pieces. She knew her father was controlling and that her mother didn’t have a resemblance of a backbone. She knew she did a lot of pretending because pretending was easier. Safer. She heard Shelby mutter the name ‘Becca’ in her sleep. She knew that there was a lot of internalized homophobia. She knew enough to know it wasn’t good. 

“I don’t want you to feel that either, Shelby. I’m sorry you’ve felt that way. I wish I could do something to take away that feeling for you.” 

Shelby shook her head and smiled. “But don’t you see, Toni? You _are_ doing something. You’re letting me be me. I can be myself around you completely. It’s why I was… why I was acting so weird when we thought the airplane saw us. I… I knew I couldn’t go back home and be _her_ again. I don’t want to be her anymore.” 

Toni rubbed her lips together anxiously. She wasn’t sure if they’d ever get home at this point. She thought she’d become a cynical shithead after coming to terms with that. But there was a part of her that was almost zen about it. They were learning more and more about the island every day. She wasn’t sure if they’d all live into their nineties on the island, but there was a part of her that imagined having a life here. With Shelby and Martha and everyone else that now almost felt like family. They were more of a family than she ever had before. She figured it was sort of a selfish dream to want to keep them, but she dreamt it nevertheless. 

“When we get back, who do you want to be?” 

“Well… I wish I could easily say me, you know? But I can’t imagine my dad… still loving me. Maybe one day I’ll be okay with that. But it still… it hurts. Burns, actually, thinking about how much he’d detest the real me.” 

Toni nodded, understanding how hard it must be to lose family, even for good reasons. She didn’t have a family to lose. The closest thing she had was Martha, but she couldn’t imagine losing her. 

“You know, if you ever decide to leave Texas, you have a list of seven people who’d probably let you stay with them.” 

Shelby chuckled and nodded. “But can you imagine me and Fatin living together? I feel like that’d be a colossal hot mess.” 

Toni grinned, glad they were able to joke around after their heavy conversation. “Well, _ideally,_ you’d want to stay with me. Though, let’s be honest, I’m totally staying with Martha.” 

“I already know you two are a package deal. So what do you want to do when you get home? I imagine you’ll want to break into the facility where they make Takis.” 

“Oh, hell yeah,” Toni said and flicked her girlfriend. “After that, though? I dunno. I mean, I always figured I’d graduate and float around Martha. But you know, my grades are actually pretty good. Maybe I’ll go to college. Or, you know what, take a gap year. Travel.” 

Shelby’s eyes widened. “You want to fly across an ocean?” 

Toni rolled her eyes. “No, man. I want to see places. After we get mega-rich from this, I want to see the world. I don’t wanna be in one place, you know? At least for a while.”

The blonde was quiet for a minute. For a second, Toni thought she said something wrong. She didn’t tell her she wanted her to come with her because she didn’t want to scare her. Be too much too fast, or something like that. 

But then Shelby grabbed her hand and said, “You know, I’ve always wanted to go to Greece. You wouldn’t mind a fellow traveler, would you?” 

Toni might have grinned wider than she ever had before. She wrapped her arm around her and breathed her in. She thought she could never get old of how it felt to have Shelby in her arms.

“I don’t think I would. At least, I wouldn’t mind a fellow traveler such as yourself.” 

Shelby smiled and nuzzled her head next to her chest. “That’s good to know. But you know what?” 

“What?” Toni asked, watching as Shelby’s eyes dazzled in the dark. 

“I don’t know if the stars will ever be as bright as they are here.” 

Toni hadn’t thought about that. “That could be our search, then. To find a place where stars are as bright as they are here.” 

“And if we don’t find a place like that?” 

“Well,” Toni said with a devilish smile, “we could always nosedive into another body of water and hope to find an abandoned island with lychees.” 

“Oh my lord, Toni!” Shelby shouted and poked her. 

Toni snorted. “Too soon?” 

Shelby just shook her head, the smile on her face seeming almost infinite. “You know what, Toni Shalifoe. If you were by my side, I’d probably go anywhere.”

Toni had to admit, she felt the same fucking way. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please comment and come find me on twitter! I'm @in_shoni


End file.
